My Dearest Hans


Personal / Wednesday, June 6th, 2018

My Dearest Hans,

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you; your kind eyes and contagious smile.. After you passed, I remember everyone telling me it would get easier.. and after a year of hearing that, I realized that wasn’t even close to true. It’s just as hard today, five years later, as it was that first day. You just learn how to cope. I wish I knew how to explain exactly how to do that.. or what that even meant. Coping with the reality of losing someone you love is far from easy and losing you was the greatest heartbreak I’ve ever experienced.

I vividly remember the night I got the news. I was working late that night at the restaurant, when I got a text from our mutual friend, “Malanie, I am so sorry to hear about Hans..” My heart sunk. When I think about that moment, I feel it all over again. I broke down, right there in the middle of our “diva room”. My manager, Ryan, hugged me tight and told me about someone very close to him that he had to say goodbye to, then he sent me home. The world stopped that night and my whole life changed..

I was reading through some of our old messages recently and I came across this one:

“I promise ill be rich and make you happy” lol.. You already knew how to make me happy and you’re easily the richest person I have ever met. Abundantly caring and kind; The most gentle and generous soul and no amount of money or wordly possessions could measure up to the riches you already had, Hans. You always knew how to make me smile and were always so good to me. Whoever would have been so lucky as to become your wife, would have been the richest woman out there.

I often think about how different life would be if you were still here; how wonderful it would be.. I wonder where we’d be and what we would be doing. I can practically guarantee you’d be a professional skater (vouching for everyone who got the chance to watch you skate). I can most definitely guarantee we wouldn’t be working at Ruby Tuesday together anymore, constantly entangled in trouble with the GM for being inseparable. As much as we hated that place, we have some of the best memories working our shifts there together. I hope you know the way you brightened that place. It was impossible to hate my job when I got to work it with you. We would be so excited to get off work just to go back to my house and do absolutely nothing, all night long.

I think back to freshman year, when we would spend hours outside of Rocky Hill together. You would be skating and I would sneak out of SSL hours just to keep you company and watch you kill the skating game. We were always on our own wavelength when we were together. Our first Halloween, you were a cowboy and I was Barbie; All of our friends wanted us to go to a party with them, but we skipped out to go to my house and trick-or-treat instead. We never cared what everyone else wanted us to do; We just did us. It seems like a lifetime ago, yet strangely enough, feels like just yesterday.

You instantly became part of our family, Hans. From spending Easter with us in North Carolina, to helping us put together a trampoline for my baby sisters birthday surprise. There were times you would go to the movies with my family, without me even going. I still visualize you sitting at the kitchen table, playing legos with my nephew, Isaac. I will forever cherish these memories.

I thank god every single day that he put you in my life, no matter the time limit. I would give the whole world and then some, just to have you back. I believe your soul was just too kind for this cruel world and he had bigger plans for you up above. I have moments of laughter and moments of tears, but I am constantly thankful to have been a part of your life. You have shaped my life in so many ways and you continue to do so everyday. I aspire to be as selfless and accepting as you always were. I strive to shed light in this too often dim world, the way that you did and still manage to do. I pray to touch lives the way you touched mine and so many others on this earth. There is no amount of distance or time that could ever change my love for you. Know that your life will always live on through the lives of your loved ones down here.

Today, I’m celebrating life, in honor of you.

I love you, Hans. ♥

xo, Malanie

Join in